I'm Sae, a 30 y/o (she/her). I write about therapy and reblog stuff I like.
Everything that is rebloggable is OK to reblog.
I like to answer asks too, both for fun and for giving adivce / informing people. Please don't trauma dump and remember that I can't diagnose you.
Check my pinned post for tags I use and boundaries.
Hi there, I figured I’d finally write one of those, heh.
I use this blog to write about my personal experiences with therapy and life, and to reblog things I like or relate to. I also like interacting with my followers and answering asks. I put some more info under the read more line.
I saw HT today and it was really good, I think, but holy shit am I exhausted now. My stomach hurts from the tension/shakesies, and I just want to sleep. Maybe I’ll just go to bed after writing this. At least after work tomorrow I have some days off until tuesday which I’m really looking forward to.
Anyway, HT-recap. Turned out long and vulnerable, hence the cut.
I emailed A last night and in her reply A said that she thinks we had a beautiful session yesterday, and she thanked me for opening up to her 🥺 That helps a bit with the feelings of regret and upset and frustration about everything that we didn’t get to talk about yesterday (though still sensing the upset from other parts ugh).
Also [insert hugest sigh of relief], therapy went okay. Not great, but okay. And that’s actually great in and of itself. Some parts are a little upset because they’re still alone with all that’s been popping up (which I don’t feel connected to right now, but I know is there… somewhere).
But in all honesty, making it back to “OK, we’re on safe neutral ground!” with A, was really the best possible outcome for today. Simply couldn’t dive back into the real deep stuff after what happened last week.
A proved that she’s cool and good. She listened to me. Understood why the start of last week’s session had immediately deeply hurt me, and explained what she had meant to say instead. And then she apologized. Because, her words, “this must have been deeply horrible for you, and I understand you were locked up after that”.
She also acknowledged that a reaction she gave at some point was not what I needed in that moment, and that was indeed because she hadn’t had her head in the game fully. And she understood how a thing she did must’ve felt like she wasn’t there at all, which made her constantly saying that she was there just so much worse.
All of these things are vague, I know. But I don’t want to go into more details here. I’m just relieved we got to talk through all this.
But also sad that I didn’t manage more. I wished for more. I feel so stuck and alone. But I’ll just have to carry those feelings a bit longer.
And at the end I managed to tell her (because this has been coming up both through email and at the start of this session) - “Even if I’m too scared to ask, that doesn’t mean I don’t think about you”. Because I’ve been too terrified to ask her how things are for her / since her husband’s accident. I just know she’s still not working full days. And she’s tired a lot. Which has me worried. But she thanked me for saying that, repeatedly. So I’m glad I could say it.
I also told her I’m scared that I’ll be the reason for her to end up with a burn-out, to which her first response was a big fat laugh. And then she just kept laughing and said: “Oh sae, you can do a lot, but this is a bet I’m willing to take: you’ll never be able to get me into a burn-out”. Which is nice. And also tickles memories that I’m too scared to look at, something something mother always tired in bed dangerous etc.
hi there! can I get your input on something? u seem really knowledgeable and In the past ur info helped me so so much relating to parts language and how did/osdd works so I wanted to ask u. do I even have to call myself a system/multiple people? like. to me I’m a single person split into parts instead of held together bc of trauma/dissociation. I am not multiple people these are not people these are symptoms of my disorder. all is me just like a singlet with many sides to themselves but I’m just disordered so I feel like multiple people sometimes and the me is all split up/sectioned off/not integrated. I don’t have to use we/us/system/plural. I don’t have to use pluralkit or do sign offs. I don’t have to label each part of me as if they’re separate people (each part using different sexualities/genders, alter types like protector, etc). I don’t have to treat them like multiple people or let others do that. there is no “we” it’s just I/me in different flavors. I don’t even have to call them alters these are my parts. that’s okay to do all of that right? Am I alone in that? It feels like no one else does.. I’m a bi trans guy as a whole who happens to have a disorder where I feel like multiple bc the ME is dissociated and not integrated. but everyone is like “no you’re multiple people/plural and have to Awkknowledge that and treat urself that way or ur bad” .. would u feel similar as me with your system as I describe myself?
Hey anon,
You are not alone, and you get to use all the words you want to!! (Within like reasonable limits, like, don’t lie. I’m white and I’m not gonna go around claiming anything else is the first example I can think of)
But like, as far as the language you use for your own experiences goes: you do you!!! You get to say I/me, you get to say parts, you get to reject pluralkit, and all the other things you mention.
Personally I relate to a lot of the things you mention a lot. I have friends that have other preferences and that is totally fine! We respect each other.
I am worried that you seem to have so many people around you that want to tell you what you can/can’t say about yourself. Just because you have DID/OSDD doesn’t mean you have to share that with people around you. You don’t have to tell your friends who’s who, you don’t have to do any of those things and I’m so sorry you have people telling you otherwise.
I feel like less than a person most of the time. I don’t feel like multiple people. The idea that every single part should be a Person with fully developed hobbies, preferences (for gender and sexuality, but also for food and games and whatever else) is bullshit, sorry. Of course parts can be like that!!! But I don’t know anyone who solely has parts that are so elaborated and separate.
Everyone I know has fragments, parts they barely know anything about. Some parts don’t want to be known, don’t want to be separate. All those experiences are SO fucking valid. And trust me, trust me dear anon, there’s more people out there who feel like you and I do.
You are okay. You get to use the words you want to use. If you don’t want to say alters, if you don’t want to call yourself a system, if you don’t want to tell people, if you don’t want to use pluralkit - don’t. You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay.
Do what feels right for you. Respect other people. And if other people don’t respect you… maybe leave that discord server (just guessing that bc you mentioned pluralkit). If those people force alter-language on you and force you to present yourselves more separate than you feel, then they don’t respect you and you deserve so much better than that.
All the things you mentioned: yes you’re allowed to do and feel that, no you don’t have to do things because you see them online.
I am so glad you sent me this, and really truly want to invite you to send me another ask if there’s anything else you want to check or ask.
And please, make sure you get the fuck away from people (or at least create some distance) that are pressuring you to share things about yourself that you don’t want to share. You shouldn’t have to tell people about your parts. You shouldn’t have to disclose your medical information (which having DID/OSDD is) and have a label (“system”) forced on you that you don’t feel comfortable with. You shouldn’t have to feel like every part has to have a ‘function title’ and whatever else.
You get to be just you. You get to explore what YOUR experiences are and how YOU want to find words for them. It’s hard to find out what feels right, and it’s okay if things change throughout your process. It’s okay if certain parts would like to be acknowledge, and others don’t. You get to figure it out and do this your way.
Have u ever read body keeps the score? I’m considering it but I’ve heard it’s got quite extreme trauma examples in it? I’m wondering if I’ll find it triggering or invalidating 🫣?
Hey anon,
I have read it, but a really long time ago (like, at least 7 years ago?). This was a time where I could still read scientific/research literature really quickly, without feeling much of it. I truly read the book as an academic part. Because of this, I don’t really remember feeling really triggered by it - I don’t tend to feel very triggered by reading about things.
I do remember feeling invalidated, but that doesn’t mean a lot either because just about everything and anything makes me feel invalidated.
But yeah, the book definitely includes anecdotes/stories about patients who had suffered childhood abuse, sexual abuse, and war. Probably more, but I remember those. The effects of trauma in the body are also explicitly described - all kinds of flashbacks, tension, issues (digestion, sleep, attention, etc.). It really is quite a specific book.
Maybe you can consider for yourself why you would want to read it? What are you looking for? Is there a safer way to meet that need? Is there someone around you - a therapist or a close friend/partner - who would be able/willing to maybe read bits of the book as well? That way you’ll have someone to talk to about what reading the book does for you. I would always recommend to pace yourself. Don’t read too much at once, allow yourself the time to sense if you are getting triggered or overwhelmed - so you can hopefully stop reading before you got really triggered, for example.
If the idea of reading the book already has you worried about feeling triggered or invalidated, maybe it’s best to just not read it. Honestly that’s the approach I’ve taken the last years - I don’t really read much anymore, if I am looking for something specific I go through the books until I find it, but I’m not full on reading it. You don’t have to read it. It’s okay to just enjoy the quotes on tumblr 😅
Electric pianos are amazing!! What's your favorite key to play in? Do you have a favorite time signature?
Yeah I’m so happy with it!! But one thing about my piano education is that I never learned the… technique, I guess, of reading chords and what each key is called 😂 So I would have no clue what it means when something is “C sharp” or “E minor” (though for the latter I know what it *sounds* like).
A quick google also showed me that these things have wildly different names in English than they do in Dutch, so maybe that’s where part of my confusion comes from. I know what B♭ (pronounced ‘Bes’ in Dutch) means, but according to wikipedia that is called “B flat” in English haha and I never would’ve guessed or understood that.
At the risk of no one knowing what I mean, I think I most enjoy playing pieces that have a ♯ on F, C, and G - or a ♭ on B, E, and A. But this is probably just because many pieces I’ve enjoyed playing have those, and not because I don’t enjoy other keys 😅
I think my favorite time signature would either be ¾ or 7/8! (But I also enjoy pieces in which the key and/or time signature changes at some point)
What songs are you most excited to play on your new piano?
This week I’ve felt such a longing to learn something completely new! I just don’t know what would be a nice thing to look for, so I’m a bit stuck. I played the big classics (Für Elise, moonlight sonata, some Debussy, etc.), lots of Yann Tiersen, Einaudi, things like that… but I’d love to really learn something new. I just don’t know what yet 😂
As for the sheet music I already have - I used to be able to play Ancora by Einaudi (click for youtube) from the top of my head, and I want to re-learn that. There’s some other Einaudi songs I also still want to learn (i giorni, una mattina). And every now and then I pick up my Canto Ostinato (random youtube example) sheets to play some of that.
Excited about your piano!!! Others will probably ask this too, but do you have a favourite piece of music to play/what is it??
Well you’re the first to ask so you get the answer 💜
Because I have 2 books with his songs, I mostly play pieces by Einaudi these days. I’m looking to branch out and got books with pieces I used to play from my parents’ house, but it’s not as easy - piano music I enjoy listening to is not necessarily something I enjoy playing! Many things I enjoy listening to would feel ‘too boring’ to play.
My absolute favorite piece to play is Nuvole Bianche by Einaudi (click for youtube). I think I started playing this piece when I was… 15? Maybe 16? - and it’s one of the pieces that fully came back to me the easiest. I can play it by heart, the first bit even with my eyes closed. It means so much to me.
Since getting the piano, I learned how to play the piano version of Primavera, and I really enjoy playing that as well because it’s… newer and not connected to that old version of me. That’s also why I’ve been searching for new things to play this week (haven’t found anything that makes me really excited to try it, so maybe I’ll just have to visit a sheet music store sometime and ask for advice and suggestions).
A digital/electric one! (Idk what to call it in english, it’s called an electric piano in dutch haha)
It’s a Yamaha and it’s as close to a real piano as j could get - a real one would never fit up the stairs here and it’s wayyyy too noisy (towards upstairs/downstairs people) to play a real piano here. Now I can play with headphones on!
But it’s not just a keyboard, looks and feels quite close to a real piano. That was really important to me because I’ve had piano lessons for 8 years so I want the pedals, weighted keys, etc. 😅 It looks like this:
I'm kind of curious (but if now is a bad time you can ignore this because its mostly curiosity) how other people's ruptures/repairs are with their therapist and what the 'causes' are / how other people deal with it. I guess seeing your posts and posts from others recently I recognise that ruptures or misattunements (?) are probably kinda normal... do you think its like a mix of stuff the client did and stuff the therapist did or for you is it more stuff A does or? Do you mostly navigate it by just talking it out and finding each other again?
Hey anon,
Ah, I relate to the curiosity! I’m going to answer this with my last session in mind, which I never wrote about on here in detail, so apologies if things don’t really make sense. Feel free to send a follow-up ask if that’s the case and I hope my words can be a bit of an answer to your questions!
I think ruptures and misattunements and misunderstandings and confusion are very very very normal parts of therapy - especially as soon as you enter therapy aimed at people with trauma, attachment, emotional (dys)regulation, and/or dissociative issues. And also, I think they’re necessary for therapy! At least for me! With all my attachment trauma, I need the relationship to heal. And however infuriating (and deeply, deeply terrifying and painful) it is: A showing up as a human with her own emotions and responses and reactions, is helping me in the long run.
For me it’s always a mix of stuff I did and stuff the therapist did. Or maybe not always something I did, but something I felt or thought or otherwise experienced: my reaction is not proportionate to what the therapist did, because something in me got triggered or reacted from another experience from the past.
For example, A taking off her shoes last session would not normally have been any kind of issue for me. The reason it did massively upset me, is because I’ve asked her once if I would be allowed to take off my shoes and she told me no. That in and of itself could be difficult, but these kinds of… unpredictable inconsistencies are one of the things that make/made my mother so ‘dangerous’ (unsafe) to me. Combined with other things that happened, I had a massive reaction during and to the last session. Also part of me was just yelling (internally) about how unfair it was, because they, too, wanted to put their feet on the chair, and you can’t do that with shoes on.
Ruptures, to me, are never about a single thing in isolation. If I had felt otherwise super connected to A, maybe her taking off her shoes (while a year ago she told me I was not allowed to) would not have been difficult at all. Maybe, if I had felt connected and secure, I could have just said something about it, and I’m 99% sure A would have apologized or made a lighthearted joke, or maybe she’d have given a sensible explanation.
It’s never just about what the therapist does, it’s never just about what I do (or feel, say, think, experience, remember - whether that’s an implicit or explicit memory). To me, with my truckloads of attachment trauma, it’s always about both, and about the relationship (attachment, transference, projection) (and, tbh, it’s probably also almost always about my mother, ugh).
As for your second question, yeah. It’s talking it out. Or writing it out, considering my 2000 word email I sent to A on wednesday evening. Or, sometimes, waiting it out. Because I have no clue if I’ll be able to talk through anything on monday, or if I’ll just be sobbing and stuck again, unable to talk. But even then, I have to try and hope that eventually my system (the nervous kind, and the parts kind) will calm down enough to (co-)regulate again. And sometimes it’s feeling it out, and I will just sob and sob and sob and hopefully A will be patient and kind and helpful, and eventually I’ll have cried the tears that had to be cried over whatever came up for me, whatever was triggered, whatever happened.
I think A’s reply to my email helped a little bit. The rest will be a wait-and-see for monday. (Which I’m absolutely terrified about and I can’t have faith at all at the moment, but we’ll see. I have some friends reminding me that A has mostly been super awesome, and I’m trying to hold onto that.)
One last thought after reading over my answer - I think for me it’s extremely important that A acknowledges that she makes mistakes. She apologizes, if needed. She tries to understand what she did or said that hurt or activated or angered me so much. Just because I’m the patient and she’s the therapist, doesn’t mean that everything is just 'because of me’. My previous therapist (T, for the long-time followers) put everything on me towards the end, and I still think that part of what was happening in my therapy with her had to do with her. Thankfully A is never shy of looking at herself and owning up to (and opening up about) what’s happening for/with her.
I’m gonna stop rambling now, but I could talk about this stuff for ages. So if you or anyone reading this has any questions like this - feel free to send 'em. I’ll most likely be home with no plans tonight and I’d love to answer some more therapy-related asks :)
